I’m a 33 year old man from Finland, living a more or less normal life.
I could describe myself with the following words: Intelligent, Adaptive, Cautious, Well-mannered, Introvert…
Sadist.
Of course, the last one is a quality that I wouldn’t mention in a casual conversation. Not that I’m ashamed of it, but I feel that it’s something that is almost universally deemed as an unambiguously bad thing… Most of the world’s population would probably find it very difficult to discuss about that word without getting negative feelings – maybe even ones as strong as hatred and disgust.
And I don’t blame them – after all, we are talking about a perversion that indicates that I enjoy when other people suffer… I might even enjoy to be the source of that suffering.
So I don’t talk about it. I have brought it up only a couple of times during my whole life.
It’s about 20 years since I began to fantasize about spanking. I can’t remember my exact age, but I believe I was in Junior High School when I noticed that I was entertaining thoughts about smacking the butt of one of the girls on my class.
The fantasy was so precise – that’s what I wanted to do. Of course, in that age, girls began to interest me in other ways as well, but when it came to this one particular classmate, I seemed to have a special desire. I don’t know… maybe I just thought that she had an especially nice butt!
Once I remember seeing a dream about the situation that so fascinated me. It was a short dream… I ejaculated and woke up after the first slap.
In reality, I don’t think I ever touched that girl.
All and all I was a late bloomer with my sex life. I think I was a decently good looking guy, but I was also quite gloomy and I liked to keep to myself, and so experiences like that had to wait for a few years more.
It was around that time when I began to spend more time in the Internet, and the possibilities that it granted to me opened many new doors for my little perversion.
I remember when I found “Nu-West Debbie”, the spanking model of a time long gone. When I looked at the pictures where she was paddled by the old lady, I couldn’t believe the deep red color on her buttocks – it couldn’t have been real…
But apparently it was! In my mind, I was contemplating about how much the swats of that paddle must have hurt Debbie. It fascinated me so…
I often masturbated while looking at that series of photos. Of course, Debbie’s nudity in those pictures excited me too, but the main attraction was her red butt.
I also tried spanking myself. I found that I didn’t enjoy pain, but it gave me pleasure to think that all those women in the pictures that I found from the web had experienced equally intense pain as I did – or actually, probably even more intense pain, as it was very difficult to generate much force when spanking oneself.
A plain electric cord worked well! I took a good, heavy electric cord, folded it from the middle and kept the ends in my hand to form a loop, and whipped my own back from under my arms and over my shoulders. For those who have not experienced it, I can tell; it hurts! And it leaves welts and bruises for several days…
Years went by.
I grew to be a more social person, I had parties and lived my life. Behind closed doors I scoured the Internet for pictures and videos about spankings and whippings, never mentioning about it to anyone.
It was maybe around that time when I identified myself as a “Sadist”. I also noticed that my sadism was of a very precise and limited kind!
Spanking and whipping – even very severe – aroused me greatly. But any other kind of violence or method to inflict pain didn’t do the trick.
Cutting and punching, for example, evoked feelings of disgust and anger above anything else. I “liked” imaginary gun violence about as much as most young men do (movies, video games…).
So spanking and whipping (I like to keep these two concepts separated) were my thing. The recipient had to be a woman, preferably a young one. Sometimes I sought material about men being whipped, because that interested me as well, but it was the whipping of women that gave me fierce sexual pleasure.
It didn’t matter much on which part of a woman’s body the strikes were applied. Upper back and buttocks were a very valid choice, of course, but breast-whipping also aroused be a great deal (I am a “Breast Guy”). Thighs also did the trick.
There was a wide variety of instruments that I liked; cane, leather belt, paddle, long single-tail whip, cat-o-nine-tails, a bare palm of an open hand… They all had their place in my fantasies.
At this point I’d like to mention that my special preferations did not affect my sex life. I was perfectly capable of enjoying sex without whips. I never met a woman to whom I would have dared to suggest the realization of my fantasies… I was afraid of the reaction.
I purchased myself a plastic Cold Steel Sjambok-whip. I didn’t exactly hide it, so when my friends saw it and asked about it, I explained it to be for my self-defense practices. It was a good explanation, as I was genuinely interested in martial arts and simple weapons like the Sjambok.
In reality, I was craving to try the Sjambok out on a suitable target; most desirably on the firm buttocks of some beautiful, young lady.
I tried it on my own buttocks, and I learned that it caused quite a lot of pain even though it was almost impossible to strike my own behind with any decent force.
Then I met my wife.
At a proper time, during the early stages of our relationship, I presented the idea of including spanking into our bedroom. It was about lighter, more playful form of spanking where I would smack her butt with the palm of my hand as a part of our foreplay. She seemed to like it well enough!
I bought a flogger from a local sex shop, and we tried it a couple of times… My woman didn’t like it. The flogger was buried in my closet and from that point on there wasn’t much spanking in our relationship.
So my wife does know about my taste for spanking – but not the real extent of my desires involving harder whipping. She doesn’t know that in my fantasies the skin of my partner is decorated with prominent whip marks, sometimes accompanied with trickles of blood.
At one time, we entered a phase in our lives where my woman was working in another city.
I found myself in the Internet, looking for women for some discreet sexual adventures… and I did find a very attractive maiden – one that was only 16 years of age.
She was still living with her parents, and because I was very intent on keeping my cheating a secret, I refused to invite her into my home… So we met where ever we could, sometimes literally outdoors in the bushes. This brought some very nice extra excitement into our secret meetings.
The girl was very amenable. Perhaps I had managed to seduce her very thoroughly, or maybe she just happened to be like that; curious, fun-loving and eager-to-please. In any case, I took advantage of the situation. I never forced her in any way, but I noticed that I could talk her into just about anything.
Once, when the girl was performing some sexual favors for me in a cool summer night, I told her I wanted to spank her. After some short and simple persuasion, she was lying across my knees – face down and bare butt up.
That was the first time in my life I stroke somebody without holding back. It was only an open hand against buttocks, but there was enough force to really cause pain… The palm of my hand felt like it was on fire, the girl let out some repressed shrieks and swore a little, and her butt assumed a very nice shade of red (although it was quite dark, so I may have imagined that part).
In the end, I had given only a few smacks, but the experience came to be one of the best ones in my life! My orgasm after this little act of violence was amazing.
The girl hadn’t liked the way I treated her that night, but we did meet a few more times after that, so I guess I didn’t cross any wrong lines with my actions.
When I met the girl for the last time, she was out against her parents’ wishes. I had the idea of punishing her for her disobedience, and I even pulled my leather belt out of my jeans, but that situation did not end up in spanking… The girl seemed genuinely scared, so I allowed her to talk me into some other, less painful activities.
Then, my woman came back to live with me and I parted ways with the girl.
Several years went by without any noteworthy sadistic events. In secret, I was pondering about how to make more of my hidden fantasies come to life.
I was living in a good relationship. I didn’t really feel the need to look for sex outside of the relationship… but my unfulfilled fantasies bothered me.
I began to consider paid companions.
I knew that the rules would have to be well established from the beginning. I began to look for an escort, and in my messages I explained exactly what it was that I wanted; activities that caused severe pain and left visible bruises for several days.
Not surprisingly, it wasn’t easy to find women for this.
To make it even more difficult, I had some criteria… I thought; if I was to pay for the experience, I wanted everything to be as much according to my preferations as possible. The woman I wanted had to be younger than me with a slender build.
I found a young, Eastern European woman who appeared to be working as a prostitute in Finland. She agreed to be spanked with an open hand, but nothing more. I was so eager to get more experiences that I hired her anyway.
I met her, and I spanked her unbelievably firm butt with full force, causing her first to giggle nervously, then to squirm, and then to turn around and stop me from continuing. She didn’t understand any Finnish, and her English was so poor that I’m not sure if she even understood why I was doing that to her… it bothered me.
The encounter was arousing and pleasant, but something was missing. I wanted to do more! Furthermore, I decided that the next escort must be able to understand me better.
Finally, I found a better candidate: a 23-year old Finnish student, who appeared to be in some sort of financial troubles. According to her pictures, she was very pretty.
We exchanged some messages and spoke on a phone. I told her what I was looking for, and to my great astonishment, she reacted quite calmly and favorably. Obviously, she needed money badly. Her only concern was that she didn’t want “wounds that need to be stitched, or anything like that”… I couldn’t believe my ears!
I met the woman on that same evening, and that evening turned out to be perhaps the most memorable one in my life.
When I left my home, I took with me the two instruments that I knew would “work”; the Sjambok-whip, and an antenna cable about 6 feet long.
The young woman was pleasant, small and beautiful. I believe she had taken some sedatives while waiting for my arrival, as I found her behavior somewhat artificially calm and soft. This disconcerted me at first, but when I talked to her a little and looked around in her nice and clean apartment, I decided that everything was fine. Perhaps the lady had just become extremely nervous of what was about to happen (understandably), and wanted to calm herself down.
I used the instruments that I had brought with me with almost full force. Whips swooshed and snapped, the woman screamed in tears, her skin was bruised and welted… and all this made me incredibly excited.
The Sjambok was very effective… I only gave 3 lashes with full force.
I didn’t dare to give any more, because each of those lashes bit into the lady’s flesh with such force that it left deep furrows across both buttocks. Blood didn’t flow, but I felt moisture in the welts… perhaps some sort of interstitial fluid was oozing through the damaged skin.
The woman’s sedated manner was gone after the first two lashes.
She screamed after the third lash. It wasn’t a cry or a yell – it was a long, ear-piercing scream that simultaneously aroused me, and scared me.
I took some pictures and videos from the situation. I hadn’t planned that in advance, but in the heat of the moment I realized that I wanted something to reinforce my memories… I wanted to be able to relive the moment for decades to come.
When I left the apartment, I was a changed man. I was still very nervous… it felt like I had just done something very wrong. But at the same time I was extremely satisfied, and my erection was still very prominent (eventhough I had just experienced a mind-numbing orgasm).
The experience had lived up to my expectations! In some regards, it had been even better that what I had dared to expect.
I never heard from the woman again. The ad with which I had found her disappeared from the website.
All of this was kept secret from my wife, of course. She hadn’t been home that night.
My life continued as before, but every time I happened to lay my eyes upon the antenna cable behind our TV, or the Sjambok that I now kept in the basement, the memories came back vividly. I could easily get an erection by just thinking about that evening with the poor student.
About a year from this, I found a new woman for the same purpose. This 26-year old woman was sporty and sexy, and much more talkative than the previous one. She agreed to be beaten because she wanted to “find her limits”.
I believe the limits were found. I used the Sjambok on her too. I also had a shorter electrical cord with me, and the flogger that I had tried on my wife. I found out that the flogger – eventhough it was a relatively light instrument – could do pretty lovely damage when I used it extremely hard.
But this woman was considerably tougher than the student; she wouldn’t scream out loud. She only moaned and groaned in agony, which I found extremely hot. In the end, I got her to shed a few tears as well… That’s when I realized that when the recipient was a “tough girl” and tried to resist, the act of whipping her got even more amazing.
I exchanged messages with this woman for some time after our session. She even sent me some photos of her bruised buttocks… what they looked like afterwards. The last such picture came 8 days after the whipping, and her butt was still very much bruised, with the welts left by the Sjambok still clearly visible.
But I never managed to get her to meet me again.
Now, I’m looking for the next target for my desires. Some might say that I’m looking for a victim… But I do want to emphasize once more that I have never forced anyone to do anything.
I am a Sadist, but I’m also a very disciplined and logical person, capable of handling myself with enough control to live a normal life.