Pedo Cure 2016.
Not about Pedos in action but what happens to a convicted Pedo in an ordinary northern English town, where loads of immigrants have had sex with and even married underage girls. Bastards. They deserve to die. Horribly.
I went looking for this clinic. The frontage looked pretty normal, 1950 “LackOf” style in concrete and glass.
“Halliwell and Birstall private clinic,” it said, so I went in.
“Hello,” I says and rang the bell.
“You a fucking pedo?” some bored fucker with his feet on a coffee table reading a porn mag in the next room asks.
“Johnno Allthwaite thats councillor fucking Allthwaite to you,” I says.
“Look you a fucking pedo or what?” he asks.
“No,” I says, “I’m from the council.”
“So why not fucking say so, fancy a brew?” he says getting up, “Having a bit of a rest, Tea Coffee, Tequila Four X, Stella?”
“No ta,” I says looking at his oily hands.
“Fucking oil leak on me Norton,” he says, “You come to inspect the facilities.”
“Word is you got 100% success rate?” I asks.
“Thats right, ent lost one yet.” he says proudly.
“Except we can find any pedos who has actually had the work done?” I suggested.
“Depends on your parameters squire,” he explained, “Their all alive when they leave and we have no deaths in the Whetherfield or Greater Manchester area.”
“Right,” I says.
“Straight up, de bollocked, cunted titted and all that gender reassignment crap and they are fine,” he laughed.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Fucking County boundary runs along the Canal!” he laughed.
“So?” I asked.
“Fifty yards up road so if they can’t walk there we stick them in the Transit and let some other dopey cunt worry about it!” he said.
“So you are?” I asked. I was getting to like him already.
“Nobby,” he says, “You want to see the facilities?”
“That’s why I came,” I agreed.
We went out back, “Operating theatre one,” he said opening the door to show cardboard boxes packed from ceiling to floor. “Does a bit on Ebay,” he explained.
“Theatre two, much the same, and the workshop.”
I gasped, “Fuck me!” There was a Norton Commando on a bike stand, and loads of bikes under bike covers. What looked like a load of machine tools and a blood covered dentists chair with loads of straps.
“Fits in nice de bollocking pedos and working on classic bikes,” he explained.
“So what do you do?” I asked.
“First off check the fucking paperwork, make totally fucking sure they signed up to therapy as an alternate to a fucking stretch in chokey,” He explained. “It don’t worry me what they done I’m just making sure doing it again ain’t no fucking option.”
“So what is the therapy?” I asked.
“I’ll show you later,” he promised, “But basically you slit their fucking ball bag open with a fucking stanley knife, slit the bollock veins and that crap so the fucking bollocks fall on the floor so the dog can have them.”
“Bloody hell!” I gasped.
He laughed, “Next off chop off their fucking cock meat and make the hole in their pelvis bigger for a cunt, I use a air chisel or if I have a mate, I use a fucking fence post with a sharp end and a sledge hammer.”
“Fucks sake!” I gasped.
“Shove their cock skin up the hole like a cunt, aim their piss tube through the eye of the cock skin so they can still piss,,” He explained. “Then stitch them up with staples and double sided tape, bit of fucking super glue and that.”
“And that’s it? I asked.
“Fuck no,” he says. “Need tits, we got some real good ones, sort of cheap as their the sort as fucking failed some crappy government rules.”
“Is it much of a problem?” I asked.
“No,” he said wiping his oily hands on a rag, “I put a slit in the skin in the fucking tit area. Ram in a Football bladder. Pump it up to fifty fucking pounds then let it down and shove in a falsie.”
“Needs a bit of skill,” I agreed.
“Bollocks it does, they are fucking pedos no one gives a fuck about pedos,” he insisted, “You want a go.”
“I wouldn’t know where to start,” I admitted.
“Look I fucking told you,” he explained, “It ain’t fucking rocket science.”
A bell tinkled, “I say!” someone called.
Nobby pulled on white gloves and a white doctors coat, “Watch and fucking learn.” he smirked.
He went through, “Good afternoon Sir, Have you come for the aversion therapy?” Nobby queried sounding like some educated prick,
“Yes, absolutely. Afraid I put up a bit of a black,” the Pedo said handing Nobby the paperwork.
“Oh not to worry sir, it’s a very quick procedure,” Nobby continued. “Would you like to come through?”
“What exactly is the procedure?” the Pedo asked.
“Just a small incision,” Nobby said.
“Oh a micro chip,” the pedo asked.
“That’s the sort of thing,” Nobby agreed.
“Ill have to put you out first,” Nobby said and with that he grabbed a cricket bat from the side of the corridor and smacked the Pedo across the back of his head. He collapsed like a hundredweight of King Edwards. Splat.
“Saves a fucking fortune on gas,” Nobby explained. “Give us a hand would you this cunt looks a bit porky.”
We loaded the Pedo on a sack truck and wheeled him in the workshop.
Nobby handed me some latex gloves, “Better safe than sorry, Pedos got every disease there is, I uses fucking barrier oil, nice thick black waste oil is fucking best.”
Nobby patiently explained “First off cut their fucking strides off and see if they shit themselves, shitting themselves means they could be fucking dead which is a fucking pain.”
He snipped the pedos belt with tin snips and cut his pin striped trousers open with an oily bread knife what had seen better days.
“Preparation is fucking king,” he explained as he checked the stapler had staples and turned the 100 watt soldering iron on.
“Give us a hand to get the cunt in the fucking chair,” Nobby asked so I gave him a hand.
The pedo looked a right prat with his stupid little cock hanging out.
“Right, make the first insertion here,” Nobby said as he weilded the oldest bluntest stanley knife I have ever seem. The blade sliced the skin open and the pedos bollocks dropped out of his ball sack in a mixture of piss and blood.
“Better out than in,” Nobby laughed and he caught them in a fucking coffee jar as he snipped the tubes and that away and sealed the ends with the soldering iron.
“Now the prick meat,” he announced as he carved the flesh with the blunt kitchen knife and the cock stuff hit the deck.
He picked up a fence post and put it against the pedo’s pelvis, “Give it a fucking tap with the sledge hammer then.” he asked.
I gave it a decent whack.
“Fuck me you’ll have his fucking head off,” Nobby shouted, “Its fucking jammed!”
He wangled the post around a bit and yanked it out of the pedo leaving a gaping bleeding hole, “Looks like its got its fucking period,” he said as he pushed the pedos cock skin back in the hole with a handy tyre lever.
“Fuck, forgot the piss tube,” he cursed and he went to find some long nosed pliers to do a bit of surgery with.
It was like watching an artist, a fucking piss artist. Fucking Picasso would have done a neater fucking job. Fucking tape and staples every fucking where, blood leaking you name it.
“Right fucking tits,” Nobby said, “Grab the air line would you?”
I pulled the flexible air line which hung from the ceiling.
Nobby pulled the cunt’s shirt open and stuck a couple of slits in his chest. Knobby shoved a flat bladder with a schrader valve in it inside the slits. “Give it a coupe of secs,” he said.
“Er there’s no pressure gauge just an airline,” I said.
“Who gives a fuck?” Nobby replied and fair play he wasn’t wrong.
I gave the valve a bit of air and the pedo suddenly grew a tit. Nobby nodded so I gave the other a bit and that swelled too.
“Fucking tits is in the box over there, bring us a pair while I does this.” he asked.
“How do I know whats a fucking pair?” I asked.
“Any two, they’re all fucking rejects,” he laughed, “One big and one little is always a fucking laugh.”
I found two much the same.
“Good choice, Fucking French, explode above about 6000 fucking feet!” he laughed as he slurped PVA glue over them.
“Fucking hard bit, You let the bladder down and I’ll ram the fucking tit in.” Nobby said.
It went like clockwork, fucking bladder out and fucking tit in, couldn’t have took more than ten minutes.
“Fuck that, that fucking fought every fucking inch of the fucking way,” Nobby said.
He didn’t fuck about next time, he got the tit half in and stuck his boot against it to shove it the rest of the fucking way.
“Thank fuck,” he said as he stapled the skin back together. “Job done, there’s a fucking black skirt in the fucking bin bag over there,” he pointed.
We got the skirt round the pedo and his trousers off, buttoned his shirt and stood back to admire us handiwork.
“For fucks sake, freakshow or what!” I laughed.
“Won’t be doing no more fucking pedoing for the forseeable!” Nobby laughed, “Fancy a Stella?”
“Don’t mind if I do.” I agreed.
“Your all right,” Nobby said, “Most councillors are fucking pedo wanker queers and that but you mucked in to fucking help out.”
“Could say my pleasure but I’d fucking slit their fucking throats and feed them to the the pigs me self,” I admitted.
“What’s fucking pigs ever fucking done to you?” he laughed as he handed me the can of beer.
Suddenly there was this scream. The pedo had woke up.
“All done, you can fuck off now,” Nobby says.
“What have you done!” the pedo protested.
“Therapy as stated on the fucking sheet now fucking hop it.” Nobby insisted.
The pedo wobbled to his feet. Bloody hell didhe look rough and he staggered through the door towards the street. Nobby followed.
“Its all fucking right he’s over canal bridge,” Nobby said.
I watched. A bus came past, Nobby waved to the driver and pointed. The bus went on the pavement, splat. Fucking pedo didn’t know what hit him.
Driver gets out and wipes the radiator before driving off. “It’s only a fucking pedo,” he tells the passengers, “Go back to fucking kip.”
And that was it. Nobby promised me a go on his Norton but it started raining so I fucked off home instead content in the fucking knowledge that our Council has some of the finest treatment for pedos anywhere in the world.
Disclaimer. If anyone is upset with this depiction of Pedos then good, It might stop some little kids being abused.