We all remember our first sexual encounter. Mine was over the Christmas break my senior year of high school. I had gotten money from my grandparents for Christmas. I called up a couple of girls to see if they wanted to go to catch a movie. They weren’t home or not able to go. So, I called Mark. He was more than eager to go. He was shorter than me with the straightest hair in the world, large brown eyes, and muscular body. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. I was a virgin and the most I had ever done in my life was kiss a girl. I was 18 and had not even masturbated. Now it wasn’t that I had not thought about sex and desired it. I talked about it. I wanted it. I just didn’t know how to get it. I was a desirable guy too.
Now all the girls wrote in my yearbook “to the cutest boy”. I was cute with light blue eyes and sandy colored hair.
I had dated girls but had always wonder if I could be gay. More than once I had seen Mark naked. And I always made sure to look at his beautiful, big cock and nice body. But I didn’t want to be queer.
Now this was a time that the worst thing in the world you could be was gay if you were in school. It was a tag you did not want to have. To be considered a queer meant that your life in High School would be a living hell. If a person was attracted to the same sex, you dare not tell anyone.
For me, I was not sure what I was. Even though I wondered if I were homosexual, I dare not to talk to any one about it. It was a fear. What would happen to me if I were gay? I kept my thoughts to myself.
Before this night, over a year before, Mark had invited me to spend the night at his house after our first duet acting meet. We were assigned to be partners. We had progressed to the next day with our high marks. It was late when we got to his house. We went up to his room. I asked how he slept, and he said naked. I said that I would too though I never had. We stripped off our clothes trying to look at each other quickly. He had a defined chest with medium size nipples. His body was hairless except for the dark bush from which his large flaccid dick hung from. I did look a bit long but did not stare. He saw my flat chest that was like a board down to my thick bush and big dick. Our cocks appeared to be the same size.
We climbed in bed and talked about being naked, sex and such. We both had never done anything. He claimed to have walked naked holding a girl’s hand, but he was lying. I at least had barely kissed a girl. As neither of us had ever French Kissed, I suggested that maybe we learn how to do it together as girls do that so we would know what we were doing. He said no. I had wanted to kiss his lips with mine and slide my tongue in his mouth and taste his. He was not taking my bait. I had to keep my cover. No one could know that I wanted to kiss a boy.
Soon he wanted to show me something in his bathroom that connected to his room. We headed off naked with me in front. I turned around to ask him something and there he stood inches from me. Our semi erect penises were touching. Mine was just on top of his. There we were naked looking down at our manhood together. Neither of us said anything-frozen in time. I took my hand and held our two cocks together-mine on top of his. I wanted to fall to my knees and make love to his tool that was so ready for a warm mouth but was afraid. He had not responded positively to my hints. If I went down on him and he rebuked me and told, my life would be come a living hell. There was such a powerful urge. I wanted it. My knees wanted to buckle and fall to the ground. Yet, I turned and went to the bathroom where nothing happened.
I dropped hints wanting to have some “fun” together over the next months but nothing. He would never spend the night at my house nor go camping with me. I still had hope.
Then he invited me to spend the night again after another meet. He told his parents (as he could not drive) that they would not have to take him early on Saturday morning to school. I would drive him. Now this time, things were a bit different. He set the beds up so that I would have to climb over him to get to my bed. Later it hit me, he wanted my naked body to crawl over him but did not figure that out until too late.
His family was gone when we arrived. We went to his bedroom and he stripped naked and jumped under the covers. I had a plan. I did a strip tease dance for him throwing my clothing off one piece at a time. I made it as erotic as I could. By the time I peeled off my underwear my big, thick 7-inch cock was swollen solid. It shot upwards like a rocket that was blasting off to the stars. I danced around his room until I was a couple of feet from him when I began thrusting back and forth causing my engorged cock to swing up to hit my belly button, back down and then back up to slap against my stomach. I did it again and again. My desire had been to arouse him, then crawl on to his bed and sit my ass upon his groins. Then rub my ass cheeks over his cock.
To my disappointment, he watched every motion but moved both of his hands over his dick so that I could not tell if he were erect or not. My plan was dashed, but I did not give up. I crawled on to his bed with my hard dick and placed it an inch from his mouth and said, “Dare you to suck it.” He didn’t.
I crawled into my bed on the other side of him. Soon I made excuse after excuse to crawl back over him with my naked body but nothing. Now he did suggest I do a couple of things which did require me to take my naked body over him which usually caused my dick to slide across his body. That was it. I gave up on Mark. He was not interested it appeared. One did have to be careful.
By Christmas break, I had moved on. Still I hadn’t had sex with anyone. Yet this night when he got into the car, things were different. He was talking about gay sex. He said that every guy tries it once. It was Mark trying to score not me. After the movie, he brought it up again. I was getting hot and horny. Soon I accepted his offer, and now it was just trying to find a safe place to get naked.
Eventually we did. I asked if we should start out with foreplay. I wanted to kiss him and feel my hands on his body. “No,” he said. He pulled his pants to his knees, then peeled his white briefs down revealing his thick 7-inch hardon. I was willing to go first but afraid that after giving him a blow job he would turn on me, pull his pants up, and call me a fag. I was nervous but wanted his dick. I had never sucked cock and never seen it done so I went forward with all the eagerness of a novice. It was so hard yet so very soft. There was no weird taste. I wanted to make it good for him but didn’t know how for sure. My mouth bobbed up and down the long shaft. I had read a book where a guy liked having his balls sucked so I moved to his nuts. They were tight against his body, but I was able to get them into my mouth. As I tried to swallow his balls, I wanted to stroke his penis with my hand but didn’t because I thought that would be gay (yes, I know that is strange-sucking a cock is gayer than stroking a dick, but it was fear). I stopped after a few minutes and undid my jeans and pulled them down with my underwear. Mark leaned over to suck my dick. I was most disappointed when I saw that he had put his pants back on. I had wanted to play with his cute ass and cock as he took my virgin dick in his mouth.
Mark sucked me, but it was only pleasant. There was no pulsing from deep inside me. It was just a nice feeling. I am a guy who has never jerked off in his life. The only sexual release I had ever had was nocturnal emissions. I was getting my first blow job. You think that I would be ready to blow. I wasn’t even close when he stopped. It really hadn’t done anything for me. It made me think that maybe I wasn’t gay.
We talked about fucking. He wanted to fuck. I asked him how he like the blow job. He said that he loved it. He asked me, I told him that it was okay, and I didn’t think that I was gay. I had put Mark in the position of admitting his queer status to me and I had rejected the badge. He was now vulnerable. If I revealed he liked gay sex, his life would become a living hell. I wouldn’t and didn’t do it. We went home.
Things were never the same for us after that. When school started again, he wouldn’t speak to me. I wanted to be friends still. I wanted us to stay friends. I told him that after school, I wanted him to fuck me. I wanted to give him my cherry. He would not hear of it. He walked away in anger. Our friendship was over.
Later that week another guy wanted to have sex with me, and I turned it down based on my experience with Mark. I soon had a girlfriend and lost my virginity. I thought that I must be straight.
Time went on and years later, I realized that I wasn’t straight. I learned that I like blow jobs, but they are not what makes me shoot my load. I need foreplay. For me lips and tongues playing together starts the fire. I love the feel of a man’s body. There is the delicious taste of a nipple in my mouth. The wonderful feel of a hard dick. It is glorious to bury a tongue into a sweet ass hole. Then there is that thrill of pounding a tight hole with my big dick and hearing my man moan with delight and to have his body start to twitch in ecstasy as I listen to the sound of my balls slapping against him with every thrust.
When I discovered the truth about myself, I went looking for Mark. I wanted to have him be my first. I could not find him for the longest time.
Later I discovered some things about Mark. Before I knew him, his parents had caught him fooling around with another boy. He must have had the hell beat out of him by them. When I offered myself to him, he was terrified of what would happen to him if they found out. They were just downstairs. His parents were not going to have a queer son. When he came out, they cut him off. I later realized that he wanted it as much as I did but was afraid. He wasn’t allowed to sleep over at anyone else’s house because they were not going to let him have sex with another boy. The worst thing in those days was being gay. We were both afraid and scared.
It was sad news once I tracked what had happened to Mark. I was told that Mark died of AIDS. It broke my heart to hear he was gone. Now I have mixed feelings about what occurred between us. Part of me so wishes that we could have been lovers. I have jacked off thousands of times to the thoughts of Mark and me having sex. Reliving our encounters and having them come out different. Yet on the other hand, I am a live today because of it. If I had made it with Mark, I would have had many lovers and fucked and been fucked by many of man just as AIDS was breaking. I firmly believe if I had become his lover, I too would have eventually contracted AIDS that wiped out my generation of young gay men.
That said, I came to realize that Mark was my first love. We had a high school reunion and they had a wall with pictures of those who had passed. When I came to the picture of Mark, I stopped and looked realizing that he was my first real love. I miss him. I love him still.