CHAPTER 1
I sat on the edge of my bed, heart pounding, foot tapping nervously at the floor, fingers clenching at the tangled sheets. Next to me the clock on my phone ticked another minute forward: 11:48pm. For a month I’d been planning for this night, waiting for my chance, and now that it was here I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed. In the dirty mirror across from me my own fat face stared back at me, mousy hair pulled into a ponytail, acne spattered across my cheeks. I hated it. I hated this stupid tiny bedroom, in this filthy trailer, in this dead-end trailer park. I hated it, and since the moment I glimpsed something else the obsession had been building in me. And here I was, finally, too much of a coward to act.
My lower lip was trembling. I forced myself to stand up in my underwear, trying to ignore the way my arms were shaking. I grabbed a t-shirt, pulling it down over my fat breasts, almost as large as my head, and down over my hanging belly. I kept my gaze away from the mirror while I did. It was a struggle to fit into my jeans but I managed to slip the top button shut, sliding my flip-flops onto my bare feet. With a deep breath I pulled open my underwear drawer and dug around in the back until I found the set of keys, still attached to its bright blue lanyard, and shoved it deep into my rear pocket. My phone I shoved into the other one and, tiptoeing towards the door, I turned the light off and stepped as lightly as I could manage out into the hall.
I could hear my mother snoring faintly from the couch at the front of the trailer, the dull blue light of the TV illuminating the hallway faintly. There was a narrow back door across from the bathroom, I turned the latch as softly as I could and pushed it open, carefully bracing myself. We didn’t have any steps outside the door, and I had to jump down two feet to land in the overgrown grass, closing the door behind me just as closely. The irregular street lights did a poor job illuminating the trailer park, but I knew my way around by heart. I’d spent my whole life here.
At the entrance to the park I set off left down the county highway, along the shoulder of the road, pinched between the asphalt and the ditch to my side. It was going to be almost a three mile walk to my destination, but I knew the route. I’d traced it on my phone a dozen times by now. As I walked along I thought about the last few weeks.
It started with Katie and Kelly Brooke. They’d transferred into school halfway through the year, sophomores just like me. In every other respect we were nothing alike. They were identical twins, with perfect white teeth and blonde hair that hung almost to their waists. They were fit, and active; Katie was already the star of the tennis team and people said Kelly was going to get us to nationals this year in track. They got As on everything. Within two weeks they’d made two dozen friends. Every boy in the school had his eyes on one or the other, but they brushed off everyone, if they were interested in dating it wasn’t any of the losers in our class. I hated them.
I hate a lot of things.
On Valentine’s day their lockers were stuffed with cards from would-be suitors. I don’t think they opened a single one. Instead they handed out invitations to everyone in our homeroom, on fancy stationary, to a party they were throwing at their house the following week. It was a nauseatingly wholesome way to try and make friends. I almost threw it out, but as I sat there looking at it, sitting in the back of the room, something wrenched inside me. I tried not to cry, I don’t think anyone had invited me to a party since I was a kid.
The night of the party I was one of a dozen kids who showed up to their spacious house in one of the nicest neighborhoods in town, right down by the lakefront. I stared up at it as I approached, wondering why they weren’t attending the private academy on the edge of town. Most kids from this neighborhood did, even though they were technically in my school-district. We knew they were too good for us.
Some kids were getting dropped off by their parents. Others were pulling up in cars of their own; beaters most of them. I had to hike from the bus stop a few blocks away, panting slightly as I crested the hill, wearing the one nice blouse I had and dark jeans. I’d even put on some makeup, sneaking into my mom’s cosmetics to try and cover some of my acne. My attempt at eye-shadow wasn’t going to get me any magazine covers, but I thought it was pretty dang good.
I knocked lightly on the glass front door, I could hear laughter from inside the brightly lit house. One of the twins, I think it was Katie, squealed as she pulled the door open, grabbing me in an embrace “Emma! Ohmygod I’m so glad you’re here! Come on, come in, do you want a beer?”
I was taken aback, I didn’t know exactly how to react, either to the sudden hug or to the offer. I gently extracted myself from her grip “Uh no, thank you, just…I’ll have a soda if that’s okay” I said, following her into the house. It was an old building, set back from the road behind hedges. The sort of classic brick construction that comes with “wings”. To our right a wide living room was crowded with a half dozen kids from our homeroom, sprawled across sofas or sitting cross legged on the floor. I saw more than a few beers in their hands or sitting around, and felt myself frowning. A part of me, a small vicious part, thought I could report them all and bust this whole place, but I squashed it.
“Your parents aren’t home?” I asked Katie as she tugged me into the room. “No, they’re out at the symphony tonight” she said brightly “They don’t normally get home until 1 or 2 in the morning. So you get kicked out at midnight” she said with a quick flash of a grin back at me.
I don’t know why but that grin caused me to stumble. There was something about it…like she was looking at me, actually seeing me there, in a way that she hadn’t when she hugged me out front. In a way that almost no-one ever did. I tried to cover it up, mumbling “Oh of course, no problem” and settled back against the wall by the wide windows, out of everyone’s way. Katie saw someone walking up the driveway and with another squeal dashed back out into the hall and I was left there, unsure exactly what to do. No-one else had particularly noticed my arrival, and the conversation was continuing just fine without me.
Kelly slid up to me a moment later, at least I think it was her. She smiled at me and pressed a Diet Coke into my hands before sitting down on the edge of one of the sofas, slipping into the conversation. I flushed and tried to bite back a flash of anger; the Diet Coke probably wasn’t a crack about my weight. A family like this probably just kept it in the fridge.
The party was boring. As I leaned there, sipping my coke, I started to wonder just why I’d bothered to come. If this was the high-school experience I was missing, I wasn’t missing much. I brushed past Katie as I left the room, asking her softly where the bathroom was, and she gestured down the hall towards what looked like the kitchen.
I sat in the bathroom for a long time after I had finished pissing, on my phone, just swiping through TikTok numbly. When a sharp rap on the door interrupted me I yanked my pants up, washing my hands quickly and mumbling an apology as I pushed past David. I’d had a crush on him for over a year. I don’t think he knew my name.
The hall towards the living room extended to my right, towards the main staircase and what had looked like a dining room. I hesitated for a second, and then turned left, trailing my fingers along the top of the wainscoting as I entered deeper into the house. I came to an intersection, with what looked like an opening out onto the patio, or maybe some kind of sun room, at the far end, and turned instead, walking down a hallway between the kitchen and some sort of room next to the dining room where the dishes were stored. I didn’t know what I was doing exactly, but this was by far the nicest house I’d ever been in and I was dragged on by my curiosity.
The hall led me into the south wing of the house, past more closed doors. I tried a few on my left as I passed; one opened into what looked like a luxurious office, while another was some sort of studio, with paint stained white cloths spread across the floor, a number of easels scattered around the room. The right wall only had one set of double doors, French style with glass panes, set halfway down, but thick curtains beyond them kept me from seeing inside. I tried the handle on one and, with a loud click that made me look around guiltily, I pushed it open and stepped inside.
The room beyond was pitch dark, but even in the meager light from the hall I could sense its vastness. A ballroom of some sort, that sounded right for this fucking family. I fumbled for a light switch but failed to find anything, so I pulled out my phone and turned the light on, casting it around the room in a wide arc.
It took me a second to process what I was seeing, and when I did I staggered backwards. It looked like a bunch of furniture storage at first, a jumble of irregular shapes, some draped with tarps. But as my eyes adjusted I realized that one of the things I was looking at was a torture rack, complete with crank wheels at either end. Off to the side was a St. Andrews cross, built of a thick, heavy looking wood. I felt a flash of embarrassment at how quickly that name had come to mind. I walked slowly through the room, eyes widening with every step. A sharp-edged wooden pony over here, some complicated metal frames I couldn’t figure out against one wall.
I almost didn’t hear the footsteps in the hall as my eyes alighted on something else, just around the corner from an eight foot tall wardrobe dropped in the middle of the floor. I spun around as Kelly’s voice called into the room softly “Emma? Emma are you in here?”
“Y-yeah” I stammered, flicking the light off and stumbling towards the door “Sorry I got lost, I was just…just looking around”. I was amazed I could get the words out clearly, and I was praying that no stain was showing on the front of my jeans. I was so wet that I was certain everyone would be able to smell it. Kelly just grasped my arm and led me back out into the hall, pulling the door shut behind us with a different click. It sounded like it locked “Oh I’m glad I found you!” she said brightly
“Sorry, that should have been locked” she said, as if I’d just gotten slightly turned around “I still get lost in the house sometimes” she said with a giggle as we walked back down the hall towards the party. I didn’t say a word, too stunned to trust myself. “Thanks” I said awkwardly as she returned me to the living room before bustling off towards the kitchen. I was barely paying attention but I swear as she left she turned and flashed that same grin at me that her sister had.
If I was bored by the party before, I barely paid attention to it now. Around 11 I excused myself, preparing to trudge home in the darkness; the busses had long stopped running. The whole way back one image was anchored in my head; right at the end I’d glimpsed what appeared to be a pale leg, twisted and secured with two leather cuffs, tangled up in one of the pieces of equipment.
I didn’t sleep that night.