Childhood Fantasy
I saw him walking toward me from across the yard as I played with my toy cars outside my play house. I was excited to see him, but nervous too. I didn’t know how to act around him, he didn’t treat me the same way other grownups did. But I really liked him.
He came up beside me and gently placed his hand on my hair, smoothing over the tangles. I looked up at him and smiled.
“How’s my favorite little girl?”
“I’m playing with my cars.” He knelt down next to me, his hand moving down my back to rest just above my jeans.
“So I see. Are you racing?”
“Yep” I said, smiling up at him again. I showed him which car was going to win and explained that because it was the ‘Back to the Future’ car no other car could ever beat it.
“I have another game we can play, a better game.” He said, his hand rubbing up and down my back. I was starting to feel weird. Kinda tingly.
“What game?” I asked.
“We can play House. It’ll be fun.” I wrinkled my nose. Everyone liked to play House at school. It was so boring. I always had to be the dog. I looked at him. I wanted to tell him that I hated that game, but he was smiling at me. Maybe it would be fun if I played with him.
“Ok.” I stood and brushed the dirt off of my knees. His other hand came up to my stomach and he turned me to face him.
“We’re husband and wife now.” He said. “It’s time to kiss the bride.”
I was a little scared as his face got closer. I knew I shouldn’t be playing games like this. It was wrong. But I was curious. I watched him as his lips met mine.
His lips were warm and slightly wet, eliciting strange sensations as they moved against my own. My stomach felt watery as his tongue traced the seam of my lips. My knees were going week. The hand on my back was sliding lower and an odd pulsing had begun between my legs.
What was happening? I watched his face, his eyes closed. He looked so serious. His tongue probed against my lips, forcing them open, invading my mouth. Everything felt so strange. His other had was on the back of my head, holding me to him. Trapping me.
He opened his eyes slowly and his lips moved away from mine, his tongue running across my bottom lip as we parted. He smiled at me so sweetly. I trusted him. Gently he picked me up, cradling my small body against his. He placed a kiss on my forehead and carried me through the door to my playhouse.
He lowered me onto the baby mattress, the plastic crinkling as my weight settled. He came down beside me, his knees hanging off the edge. I was so much smaller than him.
I watched his hand as he rubbed my belly, inching my shirt up until it was just under my arms. His skin was slightly darker than mine, his hand so large. He readjusted me and pulled my shirt over my head.
I was starting to get scared again. I asked him what was happening.
“This is how grownups play house.”
He placed his hand back on my belly. Leaning over me, he kissed the side of my neck and I gasped. Goose bumps rose on my arms and legs. He mouth nibbled, kissed, and licked over my shoulder and down across my chest to my tiny nipple. His tongue rubbed the bead, causing my body to tingle and throb. I whimpered in fear and confusion, and something else that I couldn’t name.
Oh what was happening?
The hand on my stomach started slowly inching downward, his fingers sliding under the waist of my jeans as his tongue swirled. My body clenched in response. I felt hungry…only not in my stomach.
I raised my hands and pushed against him.
“I’m not allowed to do this.” I said. I didn’t know what else to say.
“Shh. We’re only playing. Are you having fun?”
“I don’t know…” I said, my voice trembled slightly. I ached now, ached in such a strange way.
“You will. Just wait. It’ll be fun.”
His hand slipped completely under my jeans and cupped me between my legs. I jumped, my body moving off the bed and into his hand. I closed my eyes. I didn’t understand why it felt so good. I touched myself there sometimes, but it never felt like this. I felt his fingers start to move, rubbing against me. My body kept trying to move and I gripped the bed with my hands to hold me still.
I felt wild. The urge to claw and bite made my arms twitch. My throat was making strange movements, like I was trying to talk, but all I could do was squeak. I struggled against the emotions. I was so scared. I thought I was going crazy.
The wildness got stronger. My head was fuzzy with it. My thoughts consumed.
My vision dimmed. My body tensed. I cried out. Something was happening!
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, it went away.
I was scared to open my eyes. Scared of what just happened. What had just happened? I didn’t know…but I wanted it to happen more often.
“Look at me, little one.”
I slowly opened my eyes.
He was smiling at me proudly. His hand resting on my stomach again, feeling oddly wet. “That’s my good girl.” He smoothed my hair back with his other hand and kissed me gently.
His hands moved down and he started unbuttoning my pants. Feeling shy, I grabbed his hands.
“It’s okay,” He said. “I just want to look at you.” My small hands couldn’t stop him and he pulled my pants down to my ankles. His eyes moved over me. I wanted to cover myself. Hide from him. This all felt wrong.
His fingers touched me between my legs again, moving inside of me. It felt so weird. His eyes had drooped down and his other hand was unbuttoning his own pants. I watched as he pushed them down.
His fingers were rough inside of me and I tried to jerk away, but he followed me, kneeling over me on the bed. His hand on his boy part. He looked like he was trying to pull it off. I didn’t understand. He tried to put more fingers inside me, hurting me. He was scaring me.
Slowly, a different feeling happened. The pain faded and the wildness started. I whimpered and pushed against him. I wanted it to happen again.
His fingers moved faster and faster inside of me and I became wilder and wilder. My body tensed again and I welcomed it eagerly.
I opened my eyes and watched him, my small body still twitching. He was jerking harder than ever. I watched as his mouth opened and he sighed, his head nodding forward, his hips moving.
I squeaked as white stuff spilled out of him. It landed on my stomach and was warm and wet feeling. And gooey. Kinda gross…but kinda cool too. Could I do that?
He pulled his pants back up and looked at me. His eyes weren’t as nice as they’d been before. He picked up one of my stuffed animals off the floor and wiped my belly clean before helping me get dressed.
“This is our secret ok?” He said as he buttoned my jeans. “Our secret little game. You understand?”
I did. I knew, somehow, that what we’d done was bad. I knew I could never tell anyone. I nodded.
“That’s because you’re my special girl.”
I would always be his special girl.