– BLAKE ABEL FOSTER –
Finishing our meals in the food court, I slide my trash into the swinging door of the trash receptacle and place my tray on top of other empty trays. I spin around on my heels and all but crash into Ben, who’s coming to throw his trash away, too.
“Oh, shit,” I say, slightly startled. “Sorry!”
I smile and he smiles back. I grab the tray from him, brushing his fingers as I take it from him. I slide his trash into the trash can and turn back around.
“Thanks,” Ben says with a shy smile.
I must look like an idiot because, all I can do is smile back at him. My God, he’s handsome. He’s handsome and he’s… mine? I hope so. I hope there was something to that hand holding, to him squeezing my hand and brushing his thumb back and forth across mine.
Chris begins approaching. When he reaches us, he lets out a belch and extends his tray toward me. I look down at it and back up at him.
“Can I help you,” I ask.
“Well, seeing as you’re acting out the role of the janitor or bus boy or whatever, I figured you’d be a gentleman and throw my shit away, too,” Chris replies.
I look at Ben, raising an eyebrow with a cocky grin, then look back at Chris.
“My services are expired…” I say walking past Chris. As I pass by, I stop at his side and finish my sentence, “…BRUH!”
“Dick…” I hear him mutter as I pass by.
Ben is already at my side, keeping up with my pace. It’s not that I don’t like shopping, but my goal is to get in and out of the mall as quickly as possible. I’ve always been that way.
I feel Ben’s hand brush up against mine. He doesn’t try to hold it, it was just one of those innocent, accidental hand touches that happen when you’re walking too closely to someone.
My heart beat kicks up a bit at his touch. I have a quick flashback to this very mall, and all the times Gavin used to try to hold my hand. But, I always retreated, and pulled my hand from Gavin’s grip.
I come back to present day and can’t help but think, I wouldn’t do that if Ben grabbed my hand right now. Something’s different about Ben. My chest feels tight just thinking about him holding my hand again. I want him to. But, as much as I want him to, I don’t want to initiate it again. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. What if he’s still closeted like me?
I hear the pat, pat, pat of Chris’ shoes as he jogs up behind us. He bumps into my shoulder to get my attention.
“Mind if we hit up the video game store real quick before we head out? I need to get a new controller for my Xbox,” he says.
I look at Ben, like I’m checking with him to see if it’s okay – not sure why. He just smiles. I turn back to Chris.
“Yeah, man. It’s cool,” I say.
We make our way to the video game store, mine and Ben’s hands brushing up against each other’s more times than I can count. Each time, my breathing rate shoots up.
Chris walks right into the store and navigates his way to the controllers. Ben and I opt to sit out on a bench, just outside the store.
There is a bit of an awkward silence as we sit next to each other and people watch. I pull out my phone and check the time.
2:31
As I’m sliding the phone back into my pocket, I hear a familiar voice approach us.
“Hey, Blake,” the voice says.
I look up to see Gavin. My heart flutters and I get a little light headed. But, not in a good way, like when I look at Ben. My face goes cold, and it’s apparent that my mood has shifted from happy-go-lucky, to all-out-sad. Ben can sense it, I know he can. It’s palpable.
For some odd reason, like they have a mind of their own, I stand up as Gavin approaches me. I notice Ben looking up at me, concern spread across his face.
“Hey, Gavin,” I say, no emotion showing on my face or in my voice.
Out of nowhere, he quickly approaches me and gives me a hug.
What. The. Fuck?
I don’t wrap my arms around him, they stay at my side. Gavin releases his grip from around my body and takes a step back, sizing up Ben who has just risen to his feet behind me.
“Well, who do we have here,” Gavin says, still looking at Ben.
Before I can speak up, Ben shoulders past me, extending his hand.
“The name’s Ben Smith. I’m with Blake,” he says.
The way he says with isn’t your normal, “Oh, yeah. I’m just here at the mall, with Blake,” it’s more implied. More of a, “He’s mine. Get your fucking hands off of him.”
And that’s when Ben does it, with the hand that’s not extended out to Gavin, he grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers. I look down at our hands then up at Ben’s face. He’s still staring, definitely, at Gavin.
My gaze, too, falls back to Gavin. A smile slowly stretching across my face.
Gavin looks at our hands and I see something in his eyes. Jealousy? Hatred? Confusion? To be quite honest, I don’t really care. All I see, all I feel is Ben.
Gavin reaches for Ben’s hand and shakes it. He looks back and forth at me, to Ben, then back at me.
They stop shaking hands and we stand there for a moment in silence. Gavin nervously looks over Ben’s shoulder, as if he’s searching for something or someone down at the other end of the mall. Then, he looks back at Ben.
“Be careful with this one,” Gavin says, motioning towards me with his eyes. “He’s a mess.”
With that, he glares at me again, then walks past Ben, bumping Ben’s shoulder as he does so.
Ben cranes his head back to stare Gavin down then looks back at me. My face points down at the ground, afraid to meet Ben’s eyes.
We stand there in silence, I can feel him looking down at me; but, God, I’m scared to look at him.
Goddamn you, Gavin.
I go to pull my hand away from Ben’s. He feels me relinquishing my grip, and grips my hand tighter. This brings me back to him. I look up at him and meet his eyes. He sees me. Seems to see right through me. He knows something just happened there. He knows Gavin wasn’t just an acquaintance.
– BENJAMIN JAXON SMITH –
I don’t know who that other guy was, but I can already feel a strong hatred for him. I can tell, by Blake’s demeanor, there is some kind of history between them. And that hug? I hated that, it caused my jealousy to spike up. It killed me.
Blake and I haven’t had the chance to talk about anything yet. But, the fact that he grabbed my hand during lunch only cemented and raised my hopes. My hopes that he’s gay. My hopes that I could call him mine. I all but said that to that Gavin.
Blake begins pulling his hand from mine and I tighten my grip. Blake looks up at me and I look into his eyes. I can see the hurt. I can see that he’s scared. When we’re alone, I plan on asking him about Gavin. But, not now. Not when I can see the hurt in his eyes.
“I’m… sorry about that,” he says. “Thank you.”
“Blake, I…” I begin to say, as Chris approaches us, bag in hand filled with his latest purchase.
“Sorry about the wai-…” he says, stopping short when he sees us holding hands. “Whoa! Hello!”
I release my grip on Blake’s hand.
“Well, looks like we you got your answer, Blake,” Chris says, smiling.
Blake’s head snaps up at Chris. A look of shock, followed my anger, flashes across Blake’s face before he shakes his head in disbelief and walks away.
“Aw, shit,” Chris says, jogging to catch up with Blake. “Blake, I’m sorry.”
Chris grabs Blake’s arm, Blake shrugs it off and keeps walking towards the exit. Chris stops in his tracks and watches Blake walk away.
Chris finds one of the numerous benches that are placed around the mall and sits down, setting his shopping bag down on the floor between his feet.
I slowly approach Chris and sit down next to him. He sees me and shakes his head.
“Sorry if I interrupted you guys,” Chris says, not looking up.
“What was that all about? Why’d Blake storm away like that,” I ask.
“It’s not my place t-…” he says, before I cut him off.
“…to discuss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell me Chris. I know you don’t really know me, but I won’t say anything. I promise, man,” I say.
Chris looks up at me, back down at his feet and back up at me.
“You can’t tell him I told you this. If you do, man, you and I are through. Got it,” he demands.
“Chris,” I say, looking him in the eyes. “I promise.”
The beat of my heart kicks up a notch.
“There’s no easy way to say this. H’oh, God.” He takes a deep breath and finally says it, “Blake’s gay.”
I feel a warmness encompass my body. Breathing becomes difficult as Chris continues.
“He called me this morning, telling me all about you. About meeting you yesterday.” He takes a deep breath and continues. “God, I feel like I’m betraying him telling you this, but…”
I interrupt him again. If he’s comfortable with Blake being gay, maybe he won’t mind me telling him.
“Chris… I’m…” I swallow and take a deep breath. “I’m gay, too.”
This is the first time I’ve said it to anybody but myself. Surprisingly, it feels good to say it to someone. I’m still terrified, but I feel relief at the same time.
“Yeah, I figured as much when I came out of the store. Anyway, Blake got it in his head today that he wanted all of us to come here and hang out. Wanted my help to figure out if you were gay, as well. He’s kind of… well, I can’t speak for him. But, he has some strong feelings for you already,” he says.
If my heart had a face, its mouth would be smiling like an idiot right now. I suppress the smile on my own face, not wanting to discourage Chris from what he’s telling me.
“So, when I came out of the store, saw you two holding hands, I only assumed you two had spoken and laid everything out on the table. So, before telling you what I just now told you, I kind of spilled the beans about the meaning of this little trip to the mall today. God, I’m a fucking idiot,” he says, looking down at the floor again.
“No, you’re not, Chris. It was just a misunderstanding. An honest mistake. Maybe we should just give Blake a few minutes to cool down,” I suggest.
He nods, still looking down at the ground.
“So, if you guys hadn’t spoken about everything, why were you guys standing there holding hands,” he asks, pushing his bag with his feet.
“Well, we were sitting on the bench back there and all of a sudden some dude came up to us and started talking to Blake. Some Gavin…” I say.
Chris’ head shoots up, looking at me. He then begins scanning the immediate area.
“Gavin?! Oh, shit,” he says, a little panicked. “Damn it, Blake…”
“Who’s Gavin? And why did he hug Blake,” I ask.
That question brings Chris’ eyes back to mine.
“That piece of shit had the balls to HUG Blake? That mother fucker,” he says in a very agitated tone.
“Uh, yeah,” I say. “Why? What’s wrong?”
Chris is seething at this point, his hands in fists hanging between his thighs.
“That piece of shit broke Blake’s heart a year or so ago. I really don’t want to get into it. I’ve already spilled enough to you already.” He looks at me, intensely. “But, that asshole cannot be trusted. Don’t ever let him near Blake again, got me? Blake doesn’t deserve that shit.”
“I felt Blake’s whole demeanor change when Gavin approached us. He just… I don’t know… kind of shut down. I stepped in and kind of chased Gavin off though,” I say.
“Good. Good. You seem like a good guy, Ben. And I’m just going to say this once. Blake’s my best friend. No, fuck that. He’s my brother. I don’t know if you two will become an item or anything. But, if you do, you treat him right. You got me? You take care of him. I don’t know if he would be able to handle another heartbreak,” Chris says. “I’m not trying to put you on the spot here, but I need you to swear to me again. Promise me… Promise me you’ll take care of him and be good to him, if you get together.”
I’ve never seen such seriousness and sincerity in someone’s eyes before.
“I promise, Chris,” I say.
“He’s a good guy, Ben. One of the best people I know. I love him… No homo…” Chris says, winking at me and nudging my knee with his.
I smile and give off a nervous chuckle. Chris sits up straight and exhales, loudly.
“You think he’s cooled off by now,” he asks.
“Only one way to find out, I guess,” I say.
Chris grabs his shopping bag as we both stand up and head towards the exit.
We step out of the mall, the glare of the sunlight nearly blinding us both. Blake’s nowhere to be found outside in the immediate area.
“There he is,” Chris says, pointing out at the parking parking lot.
Blake is standing, leaned back against the driver’s side door of his car, hands in his pockets looking down at the hot, black cement. God, he’s beautiful. I know that’s not a term used to describe a male. But, that’s what’s on loop inside my brain.
God, he’s beautiful. God, he’s beautiful.
We approach him, Chris giving me the lead. Blake hears us approaching and looks up.
I can’t believe I’m going to do this. What if someone sees? Screw it! I don’t fucking care!
Blake fishes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the doors, using his keyless entry remote. He opens the driver’s side door as we approach. I place my hand on the door and shut it, taking him by surprise.
In one fowl swoop, both of hands are encircled around his face and my lips are on his. He’s startled at first, but I feel his body relax as he kisses me back. I then feel his right hand settle on my hip.
I pull away from the kiss, but, this time, it’s him pulling me back in.
“Oh, God,” Chris says in mock disgust. “Get a fuckin’ room, dudes.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Blake extend his arm towards Chris to flip him off. I hear Chris chuckle.
This time, he releases his grasp from my hip as I pull away. We continue to stand there, though. Eyes locked on one another’s. And just like that, I’ve finally had my first official kiss.
– BLAKE ABEL FOSTER –
I can’t believe it. That didn’t just happen. I look into Ben’s eyes. He looks back into mine.
But, it did happen. Everything else is tossed to the side. My hatred for Gavin, and the sadness that encompasses that hatred. My anger with Chris for dropping the ball back in the mall. I’m ecstatic right now. So incredibly happy. So, happy, I want to cry.
Shit. Did anybody see that, I think to myself. Then, almost immediately, I realize that I don’t care. I hope someone, other than Chris, had witnessed it.
“Okay, okay, okay,” Chris say, walking towards us. “Knock it off you two. Leave some space for Jesus,” he says in his best southern baptist voice.
I look away from Ben, still smiling, and look at Chris. He begins rubbing the back of his head, nervously, the small shopping bag dangling from his wrist.
“Look, Blake, man… I’m sor-…” he begins, before I cut him off.
“Don’t apologize, Chris. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say, returning my gaze back to Ben. “If anything…”
I can’t finish the sentence, or help myself for that matter. I pull Ben in and start kissing him again. I love how his lips feel on mine. I loved the feel of his touch on my face.
Chris has seen enough.
“No, no, no, no, no. Okay, come on you guys,” he says, grabbing Ben by the shoulders and breaking us apart. He directs Ben over to the passenger side door and opens it. My stare follows them, smiling the entire time.
Ben stands there, and motions for Chris to go ahead and climb into the backseat.
“No can do, compadre. Someone has to be the responsible adult here. In the backseat you go,” Chris say. “Consider me your new carry-on chaperone.”
Ben smiles and looks over at me. I smile back and nod down at the vehicle, motioning for him to go ahead and appease Chris. Ben obliges and climbs into the backseat.
I climb in and start the vehicle as Chris sits in the passenger seat and closes his door. He extends a fist over the middle console and nods. I bump his fist and nod back. I can’t stay mad at Chris – he’s a good guy.
I plug the AUX cable into my phone, go to my music, songs and hit shuffle – not worrying about what’s going to play. The first song to play is “Blue Eyes” by Packy.
I put the car in reverse and back out of the parking spot. Before I put the car in drive, I readjust my rearview mirror, so that it angles perfectly on Ben’s face in the backseat. The sun shining in the car causes his eyes to sparkle when they find my eyes in the mirror.
I put the car in drive and begin the trek back home.
***
– BENJAMIN JAXON SMITH –
I can’t count the number of times Blake and I have made eye contact in the mirror on the ride home. Each time, I felt giddish and felt my cheeks get warm as I blushed.
We pull up in front of Chris’ house and I can’t wait for him to get out of the car. Nothing against Chris, I just want to be alone with Blake.
Blake pulls into Chris’ driveway and puts the car in park. I already have my hands on the back of the passenger seat, waiting for Chris to get out and pull the mechanism on the seat so I can get into the front seat with my Blake.
Oh, there it is… My Blake.
My insides get all warm and fuzzy saying that phrase in my head. I want to say it out loud, but don’t want to sound like an idiot.
“Alright, well, thanks for driving us up there, man,” Chris says, slapping hands with Blake.
Chris spins around toward the backseat and looks at me, I back up a bit so his face doesn’t smack into mine, I’m leaning so far up in the seat.
“Whoa,” Chris says, chuckling. “Wasn’t expecting you to be RIGHT there like that. Ha-ha. Anyway, good hangin’ out with you today, man. Feel free to hit me up sometime when Blake, here, is too wrapped up in his guitar to answer the phone. I’m always up for hanging out.”
“Alright,” I say, smiling and chuckling. “Thanks, man.”
“Oh, shut the hell up and get out of my car, Chris,” Blake says smiling at Chris.
“Hmmm… seems to me you guys are wanting me out of this vehicle. You guys feel like cruising around town or something,” he asks, with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Chris! Get out,” I demand.
Blake looks back at me, then over at Chris with a holy-crap-surprised expression on his face.
“Whoa! He speaks without being spoken to first,” Chris says, busting up. “Alright, alright. I can take a hint. I’ll text you guys later.”
Chris opens the passenger door, climbs out and pulls the seat forward for me. I get out and stand fully erect, caught off guard when I find Chris still standing there. He puts his hand on my shoulder, leans in and quietly says, “Remember what I told you, man. You treat him right, okay?”
I smile and nod. He smiles and pats me on the shoulder.
“I’ll talk to you later, man,” he says, turning around, heading up the driveway and into the open garage.
I climb into the passenger seat, shut the door and look over at Blake. His eyes are already on mine and he’s smiling. He puts the car in drive, but doesn’t remove his foot from the brake.
“Can I, uh…” he says, nervously, looking out at the street through the windshield then back at me. “Can I… hold your hand again on the drive home?”
I smile, reach over and grabs his hand, interlocking our fingers. Our elbows are resting on the middle console between us and I can’t help but stare at our hands intertwined in each other.
Blake brings the back of my hand to his mouth and kisses it. My heart melts. He then grazes his thumb back and forth across mine as he, too, looks at our hands. He rests our forearms back on the middle console as he pulls away from Chris’ house.
For the first time, in a long time, I am truly happy. I am content. My heart beats, not only for myself, but for Blake as well.