You’ve probably met my best friend, Alan Davis. Alan always seemed to have a dark cloud hanging over his head. Don’t believe me? When Alan was 13, he discovered masturbating, but of course the very first time he tried it he got caught by his Mother. She walked into the bathroom, where he sat appendage in hand looking at his Father’s Playboy magazine. Mom screamed, Alan dropped the magazine and that was the end of that for a while.
About a year or a year and a half later, Alan got the bright idea to smear peanut butter on that same appendage and call the dog over. Again, he got caught, this time by his Father who made his life miserable for a while. He just kept saying that Alan must be some sort of pervert. His Father figured if he had that much time to come up with these perverted ideas, then he must not have enough chores to do around the house.
At 16, Alan had the first young lady that was quite interested in him. Of course, his two or three best friends teased him that the dorky girl with the braces liked him because there was no one dorkier than him for her to like. This time, he got caught staring at some of the cheerleaders and not paying any attention to the girl that liked him.
You could say that Alan had the best intentions and the worst outcomes.
By the time Alan was 18, he was a senior. The senior class whore chose to chase Alan one Friday night at the weekly football game. Once again, he got caught with his pants around his ankles having sex with Jessica, the class slut. Practically everyone saw as she ‘seduced’ him right under the bleachers while the game was in progress. He further got caught by having to admit to his Mother that he needed to go see the doctor as he was so itchy in his private parts area. Mom was not amused.
The doctor gave him the proper medicine to rid himself of the dreaded itch. But another round of sex with Miss Jessica rendered the medicine useless. Mom had to take him back to the doctor, who laughed at him and his always being caught.
His Mother and Father divorced just a couple of weeks before he graduated from High School. He chose to live with his Mother, as he couldn’t stand any further verbal beatdowns from his Father. At least when he got caught doing something wrong or making a wrong choice, his Mother didn’t give him a lecture and tell him he was just plain stupid.
Alan applied to several colleges, however, he didn’t have any athletic skills. His grades were mostly C’s, but he did have an A in art. He tried to write the essays that they requested promoting himself as something that he wasn’t. They did their due diligence and once again, he got caught, this time by the academic institutions as they all rejected him.
Then along came Penelope. Tall, blonde, good grades, comes from a well to do family, honor roll, multiple scholarships offers from nearly a dozen colleges. Dad was military, a Major in the Army. Mom was a top-flight surgical nurse who, on her days off, flew in the local hospital emergency helicopter. Mom and Dad met in college, finished one and two in their graduating class. They lived in a gated community and were quite the recognized family in the community.
Penelope, well she completely stunned Mom and Dad when she brought home Alan to dinner one night. Of course, Alan being Alan knocked over a vase and broke it. He thought he was doing something special as he pilfered a bottle of wine from his Mother’s stash and took it to Penelope’s house for dinner. Of course, he got caught when Penelope’s Father called Alan’s Mother asking why he was sent with alcohol when neither Penelope nor Alan was old enough to drink.
Once again, Mom was not amused. She was, however, happy that Alan seemed to be ‘in love’ with Penelope. She was beautiful, smart, hardworking, daughter of a good set of parents, everything that she could ask for to date poor Alan. She told Alan that he needed to get his act together if he was going to keep a girl such as Penelope. Alan, of course, just shrugged his shoulders and said that somehow, he would most likely end up getting caught up in some sort of joke and that Penelope would most likely trade him in for virtually anyone else on the planet once she got tired of him.
This is where I entered the picture. Who am I? Well, I already told you that I am Alan’s best friend. My name is Patrick Monahan. Alan and I have been friends since elementary school. I never saw anyone like Alan, someone who, no matter what he tried, he always got caught, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or just acting wrong.
I did everything I could throughout our life long friendship to guide him. Of course, Alan only learned the hard way. I would give him sage advice and he would do something completely different. Alan would go left when a street sign said, ‘right turn only’ and of course, Alan would get caught and get a ticket for his lack of listening.
By now, you’re probably wondering if Alan and I were friends from elementary school, how did I just come into the picture between high school graduation and the first year of college?
Well, it’s a bit complicated, but let me try to simplify the story as much as possible. Even though Alan and I were friends, Alan only had me, Davis Jones, and Roger Smithers as people he could call his friends. I would be social with him, occasionally have lunch with him, and of course, try to help him to not get caught all the time. But, of course, as I said before Alan always got caught.
It wasn’t until Davis moved away when his Father chased a job out of state and Roger’s parents were killed in a horrific traffic accident that forced him to go live with his Grandmother in another state.
That left me, the last of Alan’s friends. Between Homecoming and Senior Prom, my involvement with Alan went from occasionally having lunch to him to riding with me to school, changing his class schedule to match as much of mine as he could get, and sitting with me every day at lunch. Alan’s Mother came and picked us up from school daily.
His Mother would take me home and drop me off. Alan always asked if he could come over and that we could do homework together. At first, I tried to sidestep the homework, but after many pushes from my Mother, I finally relented. I didn’t really understand why my Mother wanted me to hang out with Alan, but she seemed to be relatively happy seeing Alan and I hanging out together. Of course, Dad and Mom were fighting like cats and dogs and the inevitable ending to their marriage was close at hand.
Oddly, one afternoon in late March, my Mother told me to take the car and head across town to this small market to get ‘fresh tuna steaks’ that were on sale for some dramatically discounted price for anyone who would buy 10 pounds or more. Mom stuffed money in my hand and told me to get over there as quickly as possible since the price was so good, she didn’t want to miss the sale.
I took the car and drove across town, nearly 25 miles one way, stop light to stop light. There was no quick way to get there on a busy Thursday afternoon after school right at the beginning of rush hour. While I was sitting at a traffic light, my cell phone buzzed. It was from Alan.
“Hey there Alan, what’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m here at your house and your Mom says she sent you on an errand, when do you think you’ll be back?” He asked me.
“Well, this traffic is horrible. Mom wants some sort of tuna steaks from this little market across town. Traffic is moving slower than molasses. I’m guessing that I won’t be home for at least an hour and a half, maybe even as long as two hours.” I told Alan.
“Well, then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at school then,” he said to me before hanging up.
I was so frustrated with the traffic, that I began to worry that the store would be out of Mom’s tuna steaks before I even got there.
I trudged along trying to catch the cycle of lights to find more green ones. I pushed every yellow light that I could to get further along. All in all, it took me just a bit over an hour to even get to this market. Once inside, the line was crazy long, however, I was thankful that very few people were in line for what I wanted. Most were in line for this special they had on Angus beef at $2.99 a pound if you bought 20 pounds or more, but there was a limit of 50 pounds.
The air conditioning in the store was either not working or was not strong enough to handle all the customers sweating inside the store. I stood in line for about a half an hour before I finally got to the seafood guy to get my Mom’s tuna steaks. I got complimented by the seafood guy that I had good taste since the tuna was bluefin tuna and not albacore. I bought all that I had money for from Mom, although I did spend $1.89 on a bottle of Aquafina as it was the only cold beverage that they had.
After getting all the tuna that Mom sent me for, I got back into Mom’s car to begin my drive back across the city to get home. I looked at the clock on the dashboard and saw that it was 6:20 pm. I just knew there was no quick way home. I turned on the radio to try and catch a traffic update. Luckily, they told me of a crash on the interstate and the workaround was the main drag through the center of town. That made my route a bit easier as I took a couple of side streets that I knew were one-way and had only some stop signs and virtually no traffic lights for several miles.
Using this means of my route, I got home much sooner than I anticipated. However, was I caught by surprise.
When I walked into the house, I heard Mom, clearly in the throes of passion. I tip-toed down the hallway, peeked through the door that wasn’t shut and there to my surprise was my friend Alan and my Mom having a raucous good time. I had caught them, both naked, both in the state of sexual bliss, and both laughing at how much they enjoyed each other. I even heard my Mother make a joke about how embarrassing it would be if they got caught naked in each other’s arms. Alan dismissed it saying that his days of always being caught were behind him.
I just put the tuna in the fridge and went back out to the car and left. It was a couple of weeks before I admitted to Alan that I had caught them. He finally admitted to me that my Mother and him had been ‘in love’ for quite a while. I asked why he chose my Mother over Penelope, a tall beautiful blond girl his own age. He only replied that he didn’t feel that he would be caught with my Mother as she just wanted to be in the arms of someone who would appreciate and love her.
He told me things about my Mother and how she taught him how to be a wonderful lover, something that Penelope could never do. I guess always being caught makes one a bit more used to it after all.
I never mentioned a word of this to Mom. She made her choice, albeit it was my ‘friend’ but never the less, it was her choice as both Alan and my Mother were certainly above the age of consenting.
Even though Alan and my Mother continued their affair for a couple of years while Alan was in junior college, I found myself dating Penelope and of course, the very first time Penelope and I had sex, yep, you guessed it. We were caught by her military Father.
THE END.